Sunday, March 23, 2014

Am I an addict?

     So, it has been a few years since I blogged.  I obviously didn't stay with the program I intended.  I will not beat myself up for this because my life is busy, but I also need to make my health a priority.  I also want to love myself.  I don't feel like I currently do.  I never feel like what I do is good enough.  This is my own insecurity.  I do not know from where it stems, maybe from doing poorly in grade school?  Maybe from being a lesbian raise in an LDS (mormon) culture.  I was taught I could overcome it if I just was faithful enough (lies).
     I don't feel like I am a horrible catch, but I just can do better.  I've been trying to work on areas of my life to improve and I feel like I just have not been able to conquer this weight demon.  As I am beginning to feel more out of control than ever, I must act.  I've been thinking about this demon for some time.  I keep asking myself why can't I beat this?  I wonder if this will always be a struggle.  Why do I struggle with this now when for so many years I was able to control myself to the point I didn't eat enough?  I think I may have found the answer.  I am an addict.  I'm a food addict.  I love healthy foods, but I also love very unhealthy foods.  However how I know I am a food addict, is because I medicate with food.  Work is stressful, so I drink a Coke.  Kids are wild and fight me, so I eat to deal with it.  I receive a bonus, so I go out to celebrate with food and then go out again.
     I want to change.  I need to change.  I must be held accountable for my actions, and for that reason I will be documenting with complete honesty and no filtering, my struggle to figure out why I am struggling with this demon and my journey to defeat it.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Gym Day 4

  Today was kind of what I was expecting for a gym experience.  It wasn't very good.  i was already super tired and hot with a migraine from spending 5.5 hours at the zoo in the morning.  I drank a ton of water, but since I am breastfeeding it never feels like enough.  I made sure everyone was fed and went potty or diaper changed before we left (like usual) and we rushed out the door.  We were running a few minutes late, but nothing too big.  Atticus went happily inside and I handed Emmett over only to fInd out h had a blow out as we walked in. Nice!! It took me a good fifteen minutes to get him (and myself) cleaned up.  I rushed to quickly change and shower before getting in the pool.  The instructor, Ashley isn't the type of water aerobics coach I do well with.  She was difficult to hear clearly, weird choices of moves for us, and changed things up far to quickly for water activity.  I didn't feel like I had a good workout. She also seemed like she rather not be there... Not so fun.  

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Gym Day 3

   I took Sunday off because the child center isn't open on Sundays and I need to take days off from the gym.
   Gym day 3 was cardio water aerobics. I love these classes!  Such a good workout.  My instructor was Sally.  She does  an awesome class.  Atticus cried when we left... he wanted to stay.
   I also did a bit of weeding yesterday, so I had a good active day. I went to sleep early because of the exhaustion.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Gym Day 2

   Yesterday was okay, I had a break at the gym and it felt good... but today felt *wonderful*!  After dropping off the kids I headed straight to the cardio cinema.  Again, I have no idea what show played on the screen, but it kept me occupied.  I did the treadmill for 40 minutes... 2 miles and over 200 calories burned.  I did an incline every now and then, but was fighting feeling sore from yesterday so I didn't push myself too hard.   Tomorrow is Sunday and the gym doesn't have childcare on Sundays, so I'll get the day off.  Maybe I should have saved mowing my lawn for tomorrow rather than today.  Atticus helped me mow, he took his toy lawn mower and followed me around, mowing in the same manner I did.  It was adorable.
   My sister took Atticus for about 4 hours today which was a major break for me... and later tonight we had a dinner party and he stayed inside and watched movies.  My aunt held Emmett the whole time, so I felt childless... really I did.  The breaks were good.  I feel relieved and fresh.  My stress feels low and I feel very happy. 

Friday, July 29, 2011

Gym Day 1

   Today I'll pack up my two little ones...
and go to the gym.  I hope this will be a beneficial experience for all of us.  I clearly need to take breaks from my kids, something I rarely have done up until now.  Even then, my kids have only been left with family so this is a *huge* step for me.  My three year old son, Atticus gets tired of me.  He acts out for attention when others are around and sometimes tells me to go away (I cramp his style).  Emmett is 2.5 months and is an easy baby.  I don't feel much stress from him.  Although, sometime within the next few months I'll be returning to work and will need to leave both kids with someone to care for them.  Atticus will welcome the time away, but I think Emmett having a break from me now might help him feel more comfortable with others when the time comes that I have to leave him for longer periods.
   When I arrived at the gym I checked the kids into the child center.  Atticus immediately ran in and started playing, just as if he was at home.  Emmett happily went into the arms of one of the young care takers.  It seemed easy... too easy really.  I went over to membership and signed up for a membership, then spoke with someone who tried to sell me on buying personal trainer sessions.  Yeah right... like I have the money for that right now...single mother of two kids without a job.  It was good talking with him though, because he figured the goal for my height should be a weight of 138.  So when I jumped on their scale and saw I had a body weight of 196.9 I knew I had 59 pounds to lose... WOW!!
   With only an hour left before I needed to get back to the kids, I hurried to the locker room, dropped off my stuff, and scurried over to the Cinema Theater.  I have no idea what I watched... some movied about football.  I didn't pay much attention, because  I didn't know what was going on.  I just mindlessly stared at the screen.  I did a 30 minute (plus a 5 minute cool down) workout going almost 2 miles.  It felt great.  I haven't worked out in a long time!!
   I hurried back to the locker room, changed out of my clothes and into a swim suit and made my way to the hot tub.  I didn't get to stay in there long as I had only a short time left.  I took a quick shower, and made my way back to my kids.  Atticus was happily playing.  He didn't want to leave.  Emmett was sleeping in a swing.  I felt so good, and even better knowing they did well without me.  We have an appointment to go back tomorrow.  Atticus and I are both very excited.   

Breaks to Become a Better Mother and Getting Healthy... a Combined Effort.

This is me...

   I obviously have a few pounds to shed, but that isn't the only purpose for this blog.  The idea of this blog?  Although I love being mama to my two boys, it can be quite stressful at times.  Sometimes I feel like I shut down for a bit and don't tackle the things in life I should.  My goal is to not have hanging things in my life... things that should be done, or I'd like to do one day, just be able to enjoy and tackle life as it comes.

   I rarely get breaks from my boys, and although I love being with them I sometimes feel so stressed I cry.  This mostly comes from power struggle fights with my three year old.  He is a wonderful, sweet, and caring little boy... most of the time.  BUT, the two percent of the time he is difficult it makes me want to pull my hair out.  I want to be a better mother, and I know I can, so goal number one is to take breaks so the time I do spend with them is quality time.

   Goal number two is to become healthy and lose weight.  I am not looking for a perfect body, but I definately am in a bad place.  I was overweight a couple years ago and decided I needed to lose some weight, so I did... some of it anyway.

  I excercised, got an active job, and made healthy food choices (mostly).  I also discovered protein shakes which helped curve the hunger.  I went from 195+ to 155 right before I became pregnant with my second son.  I was terrified of gaining weight being pregnant, but that didn't stop me from putting on the pounds.  I ate and I ate, and I ate.  If I felt sick, I ate some more.  I went up to 207+ by the end of my pregnancy.  Within two weeks after the birth, I was down to around 190, where I've stayed since.

   The solution?  Hopefully attending a local gym will help.  The gym will provide child care while I work out which will give me a much needed break as well as allow me to start conquring this weight which are the two things really adding to more stress in my life.  So, as I fight these battles and more, I will document it.  There will be other things too, from my daily life as it all adds to the balancing act.